When life give you lemons… you know the rest. Take yourself a little less seriously with these funny quotes about life.

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers

“Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey

“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later." — Mitch Hedberg

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

“I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, ‘I don’t know, should I have a popsicle or a donut?’ You know, who knows?” — Oscar Nunez

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Anonymous

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Sir Norman Wisdom

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." — Albert Einstein

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” — Betty White

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” — Tina Fey, Bossypants