My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr