You know, nobody really cares, you too I'm pretty sure. There is like a half a person in decades which will read this, I'm pretty sure. I don't recommend my friends to read it, because I'm sure they will think about it while seeing me and this will break our fun gaming and hanging out times. I'm writing this here, as I don't have any social networks, because I wasn't interested in them. Just to show off the level of no interest in social networks and news in general: even though the only thing I like is gaming, big games realeases just pop out of nowhere for me. There was a situation where my friend said to me that Cyberpunk 2077 dropped recently and I just didn't know what it is at all. Also this steam account is a part of me and I just feel like this all has to be here. I don't want any attention to this.
I'm just a quiet person. I'm a 19 y.o. guy, which is not seeing anything interesting apart from gaming in real life. I've already dropped out of one college, recovered in the other one and slowly going to be dropping out again. Also I've been to an easy job, from where I was getting more salary than I would want to, but that isn't enough to keep me there and I got fired for not showing up to the job for two months. I've been there for almost 2 years, but as I did a mistake the next one would feel more critical and then I just got to the point where I just couldn't go to the job because I was so shameful of being late and skipping some days. That's also a reason why I dropped out of college in a pair with lack of interest. You would ask, why would I go back to another one, you know, my parents want so and I'm not the one to say no anytime. Also I couldn't go and tell anyone that I was shameful either, that's what no one will undertand, because you know everyone has what he wants and he will do anything to get to it. But I don't feel that I need anything apart from a computer, a place I could rent, food for one meal a day and some spare money to keep the computer running and some unforeseen circumstances. I know it's not healthy in particular, but I don't care about myself, even showering, brushing teeth, getting clothes, having a haircut, keeping appartment clear is not what I would do for myself. Money, authority, success in it's traditional understanding, recognition is not what I want. It doesn't help that I don't want any realtionship with anyone as I doubt I know what love is (I thought I knew, but I'm questioning it). I'm not watching movies, anime, cartoons, I don't have any topics to be interested in, I've heard like only 500 songs (counting even partly just rolling by) for my almost 20 years and I only have a playlist of ~40 in which I mostly set one in repeat and call it a day. The only thing interesting for me is games. So at the moment I kinda lost the will to live, but I also acknowledge how much trouble my death will cause for my family and friends and that's what keeps me going. I don't have the balls to end this all like it as well. I'm not dumb either, I'm pretty smart and I undertand that I need to study to get the job, to get the money, to have what I want. It's also not hard for me if I get concentrated. But any attention (positive and negative) just makes too much stress to me, so I can't really be concentrated into anything. Nothing just seems worthy. My parents, which wish only better for me and interested in what I do and ready to be there for me, are just another layer of stress to my life. They really are good parents, they love me and I'm not the one to be ill-manered to think that all is good, even though it isn't. My family almost as traditional as it gets, just not very lucky with my mom husband and my grandmother husband, they live separated not really communicating, but I leaned to far from myself. I just want to clarify that I fully understand where I am and what happens and happened around me. I don't want to bother my family for my troubles, ask for advice and I just don't tell them anything, my friends also not the ones I tell about all of this. It's too much to tell, I would litterally break my family by saying this all and I'll end up with a psychologist and psychiatrist only to say to them that I don't want to change. And my friends I'm sure will be there for me too, I'm just not sharing with them with all of this. They have their own lives, I don't want to bother them either. I accepted all of this, I'm sure, from now it'll only go worse, as nobody will know about all of this. My parents for sure.
I think I would be better if nobody cared anytime about me, because that would make things doable. But for me its hard even to have a call with anyone, sending a message is a whole ritual to go through, as I have to morally prepare before calling or typing to anyone. I didn't see everything in life, even like 10%, but nothing seems worthy to go for. I've been abroad one time and I loved it, I've been to other cities of my country and I loved the time there, but traveling not worthy to go for either. Everything IRL is too much pressure to go through.
If you've read this all and you didn't laugh at other people problems, just thank you for it. You truly are a good person and I'm sure you have all the good things coming towards you in the future. Just thanks that there are still people like this.