today could be the day that everything changes, but it won't. i won't allow it. i know i'm a bad person. i know i've done bad things. i deserve to spiral downward as penance. i deserve to have been left this way with no one left.

i tried to xxxx xx a few times. i should have been quieter about and more precise with my planning. never heard from people. i like the confusion on everyone's face when they run into me as if i had already died. yup. still in the same hole. nothing good to report. i've tried to pick myself up over and over and over again but there is simply nothing to believe in. i might as well die. there's no point in any of this.

i can't do this alone. and if that sounds codependent, then that's what i am. i'm too stupid to think for myself. but i only can talk about myself since there is no you to speak to anymore.

i carried the same friendships and relationships for my entire life for them to be stolen from me or thrown in my face. if i'm not disposable, then why am i always thrown away? why is it always easier to just give up on me? why is that the solution? am i that unloveable? the same things keep repeating and i know not what i can fix in myself.

i wish i could turn away from me the same way everyone else did.
stumbling through carefully crafted nightmares from fragments of our conversations, the ones we never finished, the words i did not say. it's easier for me to just hide from everything. i'll hide from myself and these growing problems of mine behind dissociation until my options run out or i grow a set of balls.

hello, or goodbye