Recent reviews by AmosMoses

Slicing up fools with a sword is great fun. But somewhere between being some twatty Lord’s ♥♥♥♥♥, weeding an old man’s garden, and being penalized for both eating too much and bathing too little, I realized it was hitting a little too close to home for me.

Playing this game causes the human brain to experience 100% utilization and lock up. But that’s only one piece of the puzzle required to accurately describe the overall experience. On top of going cross-eyed as your brain overheats, you will also undergo two significant types of emotional turmoil:

1) Trauma from the ass-pounding you just took during your opponent’s last turn/your last roll attempt/your new hand of cards.

2) Unrelenting and all-encompassing dread from the knowledge that essentially any action that you or your opponent makes is going to result in more of the trauma described in Type 1.

In the end, if you are playing this game correctly you will want to rage kill your opponent and then yourself regardless of whether you have won or lost.

A great game.

You will die in this game. A lot. You will spawn, nearly immediately get trapped in an artillery strike, and die. You'll spawn again on your squad leader as a grenade is blowing up and die again. Enraged, you will punch a hole in your flimsy computer desk. While punching the desk, you'll have spawned and been shot in the head by a sniper. The sound of blood splattering against the inside of your helmet only serves to fuel your blind hatred of the other team.

But then, just once, you get the jump on a squad of unexpecting VC with your flamethrower primed and ready. Adrenaline coursing through your veins, you can barely keep the mouse steady as you flail firey death to and fro. Flames and screams fill the air, and the smoky smell of your fallen foes enters your nostrils. Take it in son, that's the smell of freedom. You turn around to check if your buddy saw your triumph, but spot his smouldering corpse nearby. Collateral damage is a ♥♥♥♥♥. As you momentarily pause to take this in, the all too familar sound of a bullet entering your head rings out. You are dead again. But this this time, it doesn't matter. You've already came.

If the title wasn’t a glaring red flag for you, here’s a tip: this game is really ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ weird. There is not a single part of the entire process of playing this game that is not unusual in one way or another. Reading through the story creates a great sense of unease which would normally be obtained by talking to a cult member, or perhaps a diehard conspiracy theorist. The game also requires you to click and drag a coin into a slot to do pretty much anything. I only wish I had found the “Quit” slot sooner.

Papers, Please forced me to do some serious, introspective thinking about my values as a human being. Pleasure rushed through my veins with every passport I denied. I force a husband to abandon his wife at the border. I look down. My loins are stirring. I look up. I detain an innocent person for a minor infraction. I look down. I have a raging erection. I look up. I take a man's bribe and deny him anyways. I start to look down, but it's too late. My monitor is being splattered with sweet, lawful, justice juice for the glory of Arstotzka.

Sweet God, what have I become?

Skyrim is a great game so long as you have every possible disgusting mod out there. It's basically not worth playing unless you have "Realistic Bouncing Boobs and Balls" installed. I find that it works great with "Joromir's Jiggly, Jug-antic Jugs" and "True Ass Pounding v3" (don't upgrade to v4, there is a problem which causes tearing).

Anyways, to be honest, I haven't actually played much of the game so far. Between troubleshooting mods and stopping to masturbate every couple of minutes, I've only just managed to finish making a character. Great fun!

This game is a realistic simulation of being a soldier in that you spend 95% of your time being bored or wishing you were somewhere else doing something else.

Take a moment to think about Team Fortress 2. Think about everything that makes it great. The varied classes and weapons, the (mostly) well-designed and fun maps, the clear game play objectives, and just the overall polish of the game. Most importantly of all, though, the game is just damned fun. Brink is a similar game to TF2, except it has none of the above features.

The Guild II offers you the opportunity to roleplay as a villager in the Middle Ages. Unfortunately, this is literally the most boring concept possible for a video game.

Based on what I've experienced in this game, dying from the Plague must have been a pleasant surprise for many people living in that time period.

The late-game portion of Civilization games has always been a weak point in the series. Often, during the Middle Ages, it becomes obvious which player will win the game. As well, managing a large empire with many cities can become overwhelming.

Luckily they addressed this problem in Civilzation 5 by making the late-game run so slowly, it's essentially unplayable!