Recent reviews by Suuraimuu

♥♥♥♥ game. Worked for hours to get treasure. Got camped at every outpost we went to. Lost everything. Don't buy this if you like fun pirate games. barotrauma is half as much and twice as good.

The developers have proven they no longer care for their community. At this time, I cannot recommend this game, when groups like black coffin and Nexus run rampant.

GG, VRC. You pulled a kurt kobain thinking you're the only one, and that nobody could ever replace you. Let's see how long that lasts.

This game is HUGE! That means it has HUGE GUTS! Crank up that volume to 200%, tear off your shirt, and get ready to scream, rip, and tear through roughly 15 hours worth of glorious, ultraviolent demon-ripping action. I hope you have your big kid pants, cause this game spares you no mercy, especially past hurt-me-plenty. For my fellow slayers who are having trouble with the marauders: Super-shotty to stun, quick-switch to ballista, blast, jump back, repeat. You can take him down in 20 seconds or so. If you shoot the shield, you get the doggie. The doggie is your punishment. You know what you did.

SUPERHOT is a mixed bag, for me. It tries it's best to be fun and entertaining, and the core concept is pretty good: time moves when you move, and like neo from the matrix, you must systematically obliterate all the bad guys. Why? Because that's how the game is played. No, really. That's what THEY tell you. who are THEY? Why, [REDACTED] of course, who else? In any case, [REDACTED] serve as a crucial plot point for SUPERHOT, though maybe not the best one. See, it went the meta route, and while that's fine, I think maybe the whole thing went a bit too meta? Trying to blend the real world and the game world this frequently is a fine line to tread, and everything kind of falls apart near the end when [CEASE ACTIVITY IMMEDIATELY] tell you to literally say "SUPERHOT is the most innovative shooter in years!" then give you a code to give your friends a discount. That's right. It literally tells you to shill it to your friends. Come on, SUPERHOT. You were destined to be better than this, you didn't have to resort to literally making selling your game a plot point. In the end, it plays like a weird, bastardized version of the matrix, except instead of beating the machines, the [DO NOT SPEAK OF US] consume you and use you as a mere propogation device. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm-[CONNECTION TERMINATED.]

about four months back, I first stumbled blindly into the tree-stuffed world of eorzea. After some futzing around and learning how to wiggle every index finger in 20 different ways, I was introduced to my faithful companion horse-bird, Mittens. Mittens is adorable. I really do love the little bugger. He's soft, fluffy, and sniffing him makes you vomit uncontrollably. He's also pretty handy in a fight as a damage sponge. Anyways, after a long series of hilarious and convaluted adventures, we stumbled into the world of Ishgard and coerthas, and a whole metric ass-load of dragons. Dragons which, mind you, are very sassy sounding sometimes. For something that breathes fire, the friendly ones sure do sound like one of the chipmunks. After being told by a heretic that we were to go tickle a dragon and stop a horrible bloody invasion, we stumbled into what might've been the biggest tree-bound area in all of coerthas. "My, mittens! This is a lovely place! and look at all your fellow chocobo." I noted as we stumbled. Then, off in the distance, I saw them.

Horsebirds. Chocobo. I smiled, then I noticed the text above their heads: "WILD CHOCOBO 52". Oh dear, I thought. They're a bit out of my level range, but if they come after me, I should be fine. Heedless to say, as mittens and I were walking through, they did see me. Then another saw me. And another. Soon I had a whole pack of mittens-clones upon us, and in mere moments, we were uncontrollably and horrifically devoured. disheartened, I visited the sea of clouds. Surely with a name that lovely, there won't be any horrible abominat- Is that a bat-cat? Or, maybe, a bat-cat? Bc-at? Cbat? I really wasn't sure what they were, but they seemed to be friends with the horrifying wide-eyed demon-owlettes that populated the zone. Heedless to say, I threw my conjurer's staff down and stormed off back to ishgard. Balls to saving the realm, I'll just go gamble my fortune away at the golden saucer again. Not like I'm going to win the cactpot anytime soon.

All in all, 10/10, needs less murderous chocobo and horrifying cat-bats. Be ready to say the phrase "What the ♥♥♥♥ is that" a lot, because I did.

Do you like slender? Of course you don't. Slender is boring. You walk around slowly, then slenderguy pops out and goes "A BLOOGY WOOGY WOO" and you die. Now, take slender, and imagine it WORSE. Instead of walking slowly, you waddle like you've just wet the bed. There's no strafing or backwards walk animations either, since your character is always the king of pop. But wait, there's more! Instead of walking at a (somewhat) reasonable pace like in slender, you now walk at a maximum of 1 mile per hour! Oh, but I hear you say, why not sprint? Because sprinting makes you go TWO MPH, and more than quintuples the chance of the monster coming out and going a bloogy woogy woo. Speaking of the monster, the devs really didn't try with this. The monster's always this fullbright hulk-with-a-no-face thing that just kind of stares at you until you look away and walk like a geriatric patient somewhere else. Oh, but the monster comes after you if you look away, just like slender! if you look at the spooky monster too long, you'll start getting really fuzzy things around your screen then the monster pops up and goes a bloogy woogy to your face, then you die. Bonus for dying: You can actually SEE what's going on. The entire game is literal pitch-black. That's not scary, that's just inconvenient, like the limited sprint and limited flashlight which is already poor as dirt. Oh, but there's multiple characters you can't unlock until you've already gotten horribly bored with this travesty, so don't worry about it. There's no real gameplay change between characters except some can run a bit longer and some can look at weird cthulu statues or the monster without going "aghhfhf" and turning into stone. Oh. And if the other points weren't enough to put you off this game, allow me to make 2 more. One. This game is a unity game, and BOY does it show. The models are decently done enough, but everything feels just slopped in. Hell, in one map you can even see the edge of the map through a gate and just stop into a black skybox. And two, if you really REALLY want this game for god knows why, you're better off just googling the original unity slender and playing that. It's the same damn game only with better gameplay and less 3.00 xbox indie game crap port. If you are a guy who enjoys poking fun at really godawful and not spooky at all games, by all means. Playing as spaghetti-noodles velma will offer you and your friends a good laugh. If you're looking for an engaging time waster, then go buy something else worthwhile. Hell, even the new slender that just came out is better than this, and it's made on the same engine. In less time!