Listen up, my fellow gamers, memers, and digital warriors of the dank internet underworld. I did NOT spend 6,000 hours perfecting my CS movement just to be disrespected by some level 3 Faceit pleb with a Shrek profile picture and a Soylent-sipping, basement-dwelling lifestyle. You think you’re better than me because you hit your headshots? Because you actually leave the house and pretend you’re not just grinding out “work-from-home” shifts while chugging down Soylent like it’s a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fountain of pure gamer fuel? News flash, buddy:

I’ve spent more money on CS:GO cases than Elon Musk has spent on Tesla’s quarterly earnings calls.
I have more VAC bans than I have soy-protein-filled, flavorless liquid meals in my fridge.
I’ve lost more elo than Big Chungus lost weight after the meme died.

And yet, here I stand. A true gamer. A sigma male with the wisdom of Shrek and the spirit of Keanu Reeves in John Wick. When the dust settles and the servers go down, they won’t remember your “sick flick shots” or your “high rank”. They will remember ME. The man who held W, spammed smokes, died instantly, and somehow still had the courage to talk trash in voice chat. The true legend. The king of the internet. The Big Chungus of CS.

So go ahead. Laugh at me. Mock me. Call me a “walking 0.8 K/D meme” while you sip your overpriced Soylent, thinking you’re a “health-conscious gamer” because you can’t be bothered to chew actual food. Just remember—while you were out there “touching grass”, probably drinking water like a normie, and pretending to have a normal life, I was here, grinding the digital battlefield, fueled by endless Soylent and the unrelenting will to become an unstoppable force of pure cringe.

And when the day comes that we face each other in the arena, you better pray to Gaben himself that I don’t hit a random 1-tap while on 2% health, because if I do? Buddy, you’re getting a friend request. And it’ll be from my alt account, which is literally just called ‘SoylentGamer69’.

Now, excuse me, I need to chug some Soylent, update my Steam status to ‘grinding CS:GO’, and get back to being a true gamer while I wait for Elon Musk to tweet about how I’m the real OG of gaming. Stay mad. Stay salty.