So naturally, and as many of you already know, I’m in the process of adopting a Chinese baby. I’ve always wanted one and I finally worked up the courage to march down to the baby adopting place and demand one. However, based on my track record with CPS and my behavior at the adoption center, my credibility as a potential mother has been called into question. So, here’s a quick list to demonstrate my competency not only as a mother, but as a mother of specifically an adopted Chinese baby – the best kind of baby. If you want to absolutely crush it with your adopted Chinese baby, stick to these simple rules:

1. Collect your own seaweed to feed it.
Chinese babies do best if they have an ethnically appropriate diet. This means absolutely NO breast milk – save it for your real baby or your husband. Find some seaweed to feed to the baby. I don’t know where you buy seaweed but I’m assuming aquarium supply stores have seaweed and they certainly have raw fishes that the baby will love. When it gets old enough you may teach your Chinese baby the virtue of patience by bringing it to the park to catch and eat its own ducks.

2. Start teaching it about energy early.
Chinese babies, unlike regular babies, have special powers that allow them to tap into the universe’s energy forces, like ancient spirits or WiFi. Show it the microwave. Ask if you can bring your adopted Chinese baby with you to Yoga. Say Namaste at your baby a bunch. Make sure the adopted Chinese baby’s first words are Namaste.

=-= i AM DISCONNECTED FROM REALITY