Recent reviews by Poopfeels

mobile trash straight from the festering bowels of the app store

On the surface its a short absurdist horror experience with that weird crunchy / fried aesthetic. Probably best experienced fresh, without any additional insight into what you might be in for.
What really elevates it quite a bit above other meme or internet derived games is it really does seem to have some layers to it; the more I think about it the darker it gets. Its very reminiscent of the feeling you get from reading an obscure but fantastically well written creepy pasta late at night. If you enjoy alt horror, the price of admission is worth it.

I've had Negative Atmosphere on my radar for a while, and the surprisingly well crafted genre chops on display here makes me quite optimistic.

Mmmm yeah thats the good stuff. Gorgeous, well designed, movement feels wonderful and has fantastic fluidity. This game is fully a "~v~i~b~e~" and if you can get down with it, you'll have a great time. Prepare yourself for an ending that sucks sweaty ball sacks, but everything leading up to that part is otherwise terrific.
The graphics have that stylized, timeless sort of look that means even in 2024 it looks super sweet. The combat is fun and very flashy, and generally is never about stress or skill. Just chill.

But lets briefly talk about that chill. Your companion is the Deus Ex Machina personified. Misjudge a jump? She poofs you right back to where you started. ♥♥♥♥ up in combat? She does... Something? idk, but whatever, it's totally fine just relax and keep going as if it never happened. Where FPS games have aim-assist, Prince of Persia has 'jump assist' and I could frequently feel the game massaging the animations to make sure I land where I'm supposed to.

I know, it sounds kinda weird. As I recall, lack of difficulty was one of the main criticisms leveled at the game, and it didn't sell well enough to warrant the much needed sequel which fully makes me sad. In many ways it was a little bit too ahead of its time.
If however you're on board with games that are somewhat off-centre and a bit experimental and stuff, then you might just like it. It sure is one of my most beloved games from the era, but it is quite a departure from the other Prince of Persia games.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3319462583
While the odd one out of the franchise, funnily enough this is also the main reason why it has aged so gracefully. I'd say that none of the other PoPs have managed to do that at all, and I'd hesitate to recommend those games to newcomers unless they specifically enjoy older titles. This 2008 iteration doesn't have that issue from either a design nor technical standpoint. It ran surprisingly well on my modern system without the need for any mods, patches or workarounds. This is Ubisoft at the peak of its power, and there was a time when that was something special to behold.

Your omnipotent companion, Princess Elika, sticks with you throughout the game and thankfully she holds a PhD from the Alyx Vance school of video game companion design. She's a total waifu, never gets in your way, is never a liability, she has a lot of cool dialogue. You don't need to worry about her in combat, or her pathfinding, or matching her speed or any of that. She's just awesome, and is one of the best implemented companions in the medium.
The devs have put a lot of care and attention to how she is animated and behaves, and good thing too because she could have so easily ruined the game but you know what? Even judged by today's standards she's just a great character.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3315663040
I'd actually go one further and say she's better than a lot of NPCs we get nowadays, because you can totally ignore all of her lore if you want to. Modern games really like to force that ♥♥♥♥ for some reason. Endless ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ exposition, droning on about hundreds of years of history and world building, ugh. Show. Don't tell. Or at the very least, tell well & time it right. Such a pet peeve of mine.
But anyway. You won't want to ignore her because she's really cool. But you could.

Seeing as how there's really no repercussions for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ up, and even with that said the game is pretty easy as a baseline, Prince of Persia is mostly about the exploration, cool parkour, enjoying the beautiful art direction and 𝓪𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓬, and story. Music is fantastic, its just that there isnt enough of it. Just chill out, bro. Relax a bit. Not every game has to be Dark Souls.

Oh but anyway, I do have a couple things to say about the story.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3319462421
The game has such a lovely, classic but fun fairy tale / fable / storybook kinda vibe going on. Fundamental good vs. evil ♥♥♥♥ carried by two leads with hella chemistry.
It also ends on one nasty ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of a cliff hanger.

You literally spend the entire game trying to ensure an evil god stays imprisoned. You accomplish this mission, but the princess gives her life to achieve it. Being a horrendous piece of ♥♥♥♥, the Prince literally unleashes the evil god to bring the princess back to life. In a rather nice touch, this is identical to what set the game's events in motion in the first place, except it was the princesses father that let the evil god out to bring her back. She just cannot catch a break. LMAO. ROFL. The problem is that the game ends here. Princess Elika wakes up, the evil god runs amok, presumably followed by the apocalypse? Oof size: very large.

I'm very annoyed. I'm upset. I do not enjoy. Apparently there's an 'epilogue' DLC that never made its way to PC, only consoles, but reading up on it there's zero closure to be had there also which is baffling. Likely Ubisoft had planned out a multipart story which never materialized because of poor reception. Dang it.

This one is really, really good. In a lot of ways it reminded me of another exceptional, surreal puzzler called Antichamber, and because we are all the universe experiencing parts of itself subjectively if you're reading this then take it as a sign from the cosmos to play both.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3295122417
Manifold Garden has a neat way of stretching your spacial reasoning and perception. The game really encourages you to think without directionality, a lot like a 6dof space sim. This isn't that though, I'm just sayin. Also, it looks 100% pretty.

I fell in love with it fairly early on when I was traversing a flight of stairs and I lost my sense of direction to the point where I could no longer determine if I was going down or up. Huh? How does that even happen? Wat.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3293873676
The difficulty is dialed in pretty well, in that there's defo some headscratchers that feel satisfying to crack, but at no point did I feel overly frustrated. There's also no dexterity based challenges, which I often find annoying when they insist on shoehorning them into puzzle games for whatever reason.

The singular blemish upon Manifold Garden's expansive and frightening perfection is a particular puzzle when you first encounter the monolith tetris pieces. There's a leftover yellow cube with seemingly no purpose or function.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3294664963
I mean it's prolly nothing, but ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I cannot get the ♥♥♥♥♥♥ thing out of my head. Why was it there??? Just a red herring? Was it purposefully planted to confuse players? Or does it hold some deeper secret? It can power a massive barrier that seems comically oversized so there might be something more to it. The extent to which that thing occupied my mind was really kinda funny. Maybe that was the point. idk.

Spiral out.

No longwinded, self indulgent and overly verbose verbiage in this particular instance. Just a quick little itty bitty thumbs up because this is one of my favorite games of all time (of all time) and I just realized I never upvoted it.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2570396048
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2553090645
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2555095305
Strap in for a hot-take, and hold onto something before reading on: I prefer realtime with pause over turnbased, possibly due to my early and torrid love affair with Dragon Age Origins. And there's just something about Pillars' take on it specifically that I really enjoyed. I will be forever thankful for what this game did for the genre as a whole.

The worldbuilding, aesthetics, that satisfying click the UI makes.... Dear god, let Avowed not be a total pos plz plz plz kthx

Antichamber, The Stanley Parable, Manifold Garden, The Talos Principle, Portal kinda, perhaps even Pony Island & Thomas Was Alone. Some others I'm sure I'm forgetting right now. What do all these games have in common? I dont actually know. Why else would I be asking? Is there even a genre for this? 'Narrative puzzle game' doesn't really seem to cut it. Meta games? Whatever. You probably know what I'm talking about. I love games like that, I really really do.

Therefore by all accounts Superliminal and I should have gotten along rather well, but man I really hated it in a visceral way. It wasn't even just a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ game that I just shrug and forget about forever, I mean I actively disliked it very specifically, in a way that barely ever happens.

It just tries so very very hard to be one of previously mentioned cool kids that it makes me cringe. It took some ingredients from these legitimate masterpieces and haphazardly stuck them together, but to me it seems the devs just wanted to emulate a certain kind of game without really understanding what actually made them so good, and perhaps even worse, without any intention of saying anything. There's no message here, no allegory, just surface level ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ that pretends to be meaningful but there's just nothing there.

It wasn't the tongue in cheek narration, or the self awareness, or the parody, or the subversion of expectations, tropes & established conventions that made the likes of The Looker an iconic, towering bastion of excellence in postmodern video game design. No. It was the statement at the end that gave it all the meaning.

And Superliminal has nothing to say.

Even putting aside the narrative aspect for a second, it's still just a really weak game. It has one gimmick - the forced perspective - which it just repeats over and over, and poorly to boot. Annoyingly, I felt like I spent more time faffing around with wonky physics than solving actual puzzles.

Overwhelmingly positive?! How the tf did that happen, I'm shooking smh my head rn now.

...could I be wrong?

Hmm. I don't think so. No.
Everyone else on Steam is an idiot.

You know that sequence from Malcolm in the Middle where Hal tries to fix the garage lightbulb, so he goes to grab a spare, but the shelf holding them is wobbly? So then he gets a screwdriver to fix the shelf but the tool drawer is squeaky so of course he grabs some lubricant but the can is empty and so he goes to the store but the car is making a funny noise.... Hey, what the ♥♥♥♥ was I doing even?

Valhalla is essentially that experience, and at around 25 hours I think imma call this one. For a long time now Ubi has really doubled down on the idea that more content = better game, and this has never been more evident than here. Perhaps like some of you reading this now, as a person with a limited amount of time on Earth I'd strongly posit the contrary.

None of this is helped by the way the game is structured. Seemingly its the typical open world formula, but the content is fairly rigidly dosed out so you really don't have any choice in what order or when story beats unfold. The game will gatekeep those choices based on level or other unlockable bits of progression.
So I enountered an ostensibly significant character. She had a unique design and a celebrity VO by Shohreh Aghdashloo. I use the actor's name instead of the character's, because like pretty much everyone else in the game I already forgot what it was.
Anyway, what I do remember is that there were mad hints about a fascinating backstory to her, and it really seemed like the game was working up to dropping some fresh Assassin lore.
By this time my patience with Valhalla was wearing thin, so I really sat up and started to pay attention, and play actively for a change. We went through a fairly elaborate infiltration and assassination, and then she just ♥♥♥♥♥♥ right off?
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3329771752
I have a strong feeling that her narrative arc continues once I grind out an appropriate amount of levels, or unlock the required territory on the map, but man, this tease and let down was such a perfect encapsulation of the core issue with this game. The devs couldn't care less about telling a good story. They just want you on the hamster wheel for long enough that you'll buy some of the crap from the ingame store. Maybe she shows up later, maybe she doesn't, I'll probably never find out.

I'd say that 70% of all the stuff that happened during my playthrough was just breadcrumbs. A sugartrail to get you playing more. It's a vapid excuse for the game to exist around it, as opposed to an inherently well written and gratifying narrative that serves itself.
The characters are all megabland and forgettable, so it all just meshes into a blur. Every once in a while something mildly interesting happens, but then it settles back into a monotonous and comfortable rhythm.

To be completely honest if you're in the right mindset and specifically craving this type of passive / zen gaming experience, it can be OK. But the bloat is very, very real. This is quintessential present day Ubisoft busywork, spread across an expansive and gorgeous map.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3328298093
There's little glimpses of more interesting writing and bits of fantastic environmental storytelling, like that guy with the axe in his head or the king of the tiny island in the middle of the river, but these bits of interesting content are completely drowned out by the hodgepodge verbosity of... Pretty much everything else in the game.

This really sucks too, because the core gameplay is very fun and the world is beautiful. All they had to do was trim down all the timewaste bloat and focus on the writing. Valhalla could have been a modern classic. As it stands, this is one of the most overwritten games I've ever came across.

At any point in my playthrough, I'd have probably struggled to tell you what the hell I was doing, and to what end. Just follow the markers on the map, and let your brain enter a vegetative state. It's the video game equivalent of binging on McDonalds.
This is the most streamlined the franchise has ever been, for better or worse. Combat is fun and arcadey, stealth is ezpz, any semblance of realism has long since vanished from this series. Character progression for the most part lacks meaning, but is still satisfying.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3328414722
Microtransactions in an entirely single player game makes me ♥♥♥♥ and vomit all at once, it literally kills me I'm dead. Cosmetics and 'convenience items' galore. Every time you open the game it takes its sweet time 'checking for addons', and the main screen has adverts on it for other products. Yuck.

The potential was massive but in true ubisoft fashion they have utterly squandered it.

Well, its ok, I guess. Open world racers are in annoyingly short supply. Short enough that replaying a decidedly mid xbox 360 era one got my jollies off enough to get me to write this lukewarm endorsement. So maybe its better than just OK. Whatever. I want more open world racing games. Is that really so much to ask for?

Anyway, this ones ok. The handling model blows past arcade into full-on cartoon physics territory, so be ready for that if you want to enjoy this. Graphics have that olde timey charm distinct to the 7th gen that I personally still find pleasing. The game has a wonderful sense of speed, and even with the intensely exaggurated physics many different cars have distinct personalities to them.

I know that I spelled that wrong, but you know what? I'm so tired of constantly copying that word into google to get the correct spelling and then pasting it back in. It. Happens. Every. Time. Why do I never learn it? Its such a dumbass word, honestly.

The game lacks even the hint of a story, it doesn't even so much as provide a justification for racing. It literally goes 'here's the events, have at em'. After doing each of the handful of different event types a handful of times it feels like you've seen everything the game has to offer, and with the racing events not being particularly challenging it does drag its feet a little in the latter half.

Thankfully the AI is pretty good, not at racing per se, but rather being fun opponents to drive alongside of. Theres a lot of speed, a lot of chaos, and the soundtrack is totally bangin. The devs seem to have leaned into this direction heavily, with takedowns being such a huge part of the game that you could easily call this one combat racing. No guns or gadgets or other ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ like that thank god, but there's more ramming than Charlotte Sartre could even handle.

There isn't really any progression to speak of other than slowly unlocking marginally better cars as you clear events, the menus and overall the entire UI is pretty badly dated and customization is very limited and cumbersome. This is a pretty barebones racer, and mostly driven by the fun moment to moment gameplay rather than anything else.

Technical performance on my modern highend system was excellent, though loading times can often be longer than I'd like mostly on account of the EA's superfluous ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ app, and useless online connectivity features. It does work though, and requires no modding or other workarounds.

Credit where its due, the map design is pretty outstanding. A decent size and they've packed a lot of variety into it. All kinds of shortcuts, secrets, stunts, and it all looks sweet.
One of the coolest aspects to this game is that the events are totally open. You're never cordoned off into a specific route, as long as you're the first to cross the finish line you can get there in any way you see fit. I really wish more racers used this philosophy, because it adds a ton of extra excitement to the proceedings.

It's pretty good actually, for what it is, and it doesn't try to be anything much more than that. Don't expect it to be, and you'll prolly enjoy it.

20 years, and still waiting for Episode 3.

Vavle, plz.

A quick foreword:
I have a number of criticisms about this game, but the primary reason this review is negative is due to The Final Transmission "DLC" being paywalled out of the base product. This DLC isn't just some extra addon content, it is in fact the game's actual ending. For that to be snipped off and sold as an additional purchase is... Shockingly poor form. :(

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♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, that was quite an unpleasant ride, in both the fun ways and the not so fun. Based on the reviews I wasn't expecting this much of an intense horror experience, but the game really gasted all of my flabbers.
That said, compared to Dead Space it does fall flat. That specific survival horror panic rush / fear of the unknown anxiety isn't there - but Callisto has its own brand of tense & disturbing action that had me sweating up the controller.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3289734793
As a fan of Dead Space, I really wish The Callisto Protocol didn't align itself so closely with it and call itself a spiritual successor. Some surface level similarities aside the two games are just too different.

If you're coming into Callisto as a DS enjoyer please firmly set your expectations appropriately. If you want to have any shot of enjoying the game, this is mandatory. While it failed to fill that Dead Space shaped hole in my soul, approached without that kind of baggage Callisto has some good things going for it so at a deep discount it is worthy of consideration.
The atmosphere and art direction are generally fantastic. Despite not being set in space for the majority of its runtime, it still captures that particular space horror vibe really well. This is pretty much the highest praise I'm able to afford this game however.

The game has a problem with pacing. Slow beginning, middle act often drags and is quite repetitive, however the last few hours of the base game and the Final Transmission DLC really brought it together and revealed the game's own unique identity. I felt it finally managed to step out from behind Dead Space's shadow.
It really is deeply unfortunate that this DLC is paygated, and that the game doesn't come into its own until so late.

One of the other major downsides to The Callisto Protocol is the weird af combat. The way the dodge system works is absolutely baffling, not to mention when you're surrounded by multiple enemies choosing which one to attack is almost futile as the game will mostly choose for you.
Once you get the shotgun or find that scattergun or w/e it was called you might start having fun with it, however ammo conservation is a constant worry so I only used those sparingly. The craftable gun upgrades / mods are even better, but their high cost makes them difficult to attain.

With the combination of the weird forced melee and the high cost of gunplay, combat is just frustrating and poorly implemented.
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3288645345
Additionally, both the protag as well as the camera controls are imprecise and floaty. I know the argument for this is stylistic, but if you're going to make a stylistic decision and make your game annoying to operate imma call it out just the same.

This is even more pertinent when it comes to the horrible FOV. After an hour or so the eye strain was too much and I almost quit the game. I did find a workaround using cheat engine for the FOV issue, and along with increasing the camera sensitivity from the default value the game became significantly better.

The game has a *lot* of blood and gore. In Dead Space all the wanton dismemberment served a functional purpose, but Callisto has it just for the sake of having it. It's fun and neat, but not very conducive to horror; the ease with which limbs and gobs of random flesh fly off can sometimes veer into slapstick.

I also have a bit of a bone to pick with some of the environment design. A lot of spaces are essentially huge and exposed meat grinders in a near literal sense. It makes for fun gameplay, but where the ♥♥♥♥ was OSHA when all this was designed? It really does mess with immersion, its just far too unrealistic. I mean, what were those coffee grinder things in the air vents for instance?
https://test-steamproxy.haloskins.io/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3290485331
The game does look very nice and the voice acting is fantastic, I was not expecting such big celebrities to be involved - they did a great job. The overall art direction is mostly excellent. Narrative is, except for a couple of specific instances, cliched but solid. The atmosphere is deliciously bleak and oppressive, but often lacks originality. The quality of the lighting does vary quite a bit, which can be pretty jarring.

At the end of the day The Callisto Protocol is a game that suffers mainly from poor combat and not being able to fill Dead Space's monstrous shoes, which perhaps was an unnecessary requirement to place upon it. I do find it difficult to feel any sympathy however on account of the ending requiring an additional purchase.

What in the ♥♥♥♥ exactly even is that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥?