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After the first week of being vegan I woke up ripped. My toes had so much muscle mass they looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger. My biceps were so heavy I wouldn’t be able to lift them if I wasn’t vegan. My neck had become a pyramid of muscle and vein and I was so strong I didn’t need to take my car to work, I just walked there and the city moved underneath me somehow. After the second week I laid an egg and out popped a smaller version of me. I took him with me everywhere and together we laughed at meat eaters and bashed the skulls of school children eating Lunchables. Finally on the third week I transformed into an ascended being, I shredded my human form and became a beautiful celestial piece of broccoli. Now I move across the universe blessing worlds with my wisdom of all things. I am officially a vegan.