I'm making this, mainly for the item description because my memory is awful.
I'm adding the sass because I have a terrible condition that makes me think I'm funny. It's incurable and can only be treated by becoming a miserable git, but sometimes that's not enough. Thank you for your support.
Finally, hey, thanks for reading. Second ever guide and although it's hardly going to be any kind of epic journey of wonder and discovery, I hope you get a giggle out of it.

Also, I am from England so I may use words that either are spelt different (Eg: you would say 'Trash' I would say 'modern pop music') so double-check before any 'you spelt that wrong' messages.

You are a hero. At least you're playing one... You might be in real life, but that's not for me to decide.
As a hero, you will murder everything you see, steal all their money, smash things to find more things to kill and money and eat more or less anything you can't do the rest to.

Progress through an area by killing enemies (you can tell enemies by the way they work together to try and stop you from murdering them by trying to kill you. how dare they!) and exit via the edge of the screen.

You can go back into a previous area, but the enemies will have respawned (yay, more murder) but the smashables will not have.

You will also collect nifty things. Things like money, food, sweets... a fish? err... fruit... ok, this is getting... ooh! a bomb!
All of these things will be covered in the later areas.

To ensure you can continue smashing, murdering and generally being a totally heroic guy, you will gain experience from your slaughtered foes. This exp will add up and allow you to level up.
However, too many enemies hitting you will result in their succeeding in their terrible plot to stop you murdering them and you will die a noble, heroic and boring death.

Items do stuff when you use 'em.
To use them, you will see it in your inventory at the bottom left of your screen. Pressing the number above it will use one of that item. The remaining time DOES NOT STACK. Nor can you overdose on apples...
[Author note. These times are close, but possibly innacurate. Comment on updates if you have them]
More items will be added, with pictures when I get around to it.

[this section to be re-formatted later, with pictures and better descriptions]

Snake
Orc
Armoured Orc
Mace-Wielding... dude
Eyeball