All of this is taken from the Portal Wiki page[theportalwiki.com]

"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"

"Your test assignment will vary, depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will."

"The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day."

"Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too."

"Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel."

"We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton."

"Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face."

Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired."

"[throat clear] This thing on? I'm gonna be brief. Because I'm dying. Because I got shivved. A lot. I just wanna get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison is a bad idea. You know what would have been better? Regular doors. With locks. Locks that don't open when the power goes out. [cough cough] Man, those blue force fields looked good, though. Every time I saw one, I thought, "Wow. I am in space." Still though. A door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would have at least slowed 'em down for a second. Anyway. [cough] Anybody not escaping or shivving me, get back to work."

"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger? Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."

"You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you."

"If you're interested in an additional sixty dollars, flag down a test associate and let 'em know. You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart, put some science stuff in you, then put you back together good as new."

"So that's a complete reassembly. New vitals. Spit-shine on the old ones. Plus we're scooping out tumors. Frankly, you oughtta be paying us."

"Thank you - I can't believe I'm thanking these people - for staggering your way through Aperture Science's propulsion gel testing. You've made some real contributions to society for a change, and for that, humanity is grateful."

"The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill."

"If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is, it's working."

"No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out."

"On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel Prize to give us, so hang in there."

"All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it."

"Aaaand another hull breach. Let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of Sphere Eighteen for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy, which is that there's no air in space. Once again: We're in space. It's not a secret. I am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thing."

"That's right everybody, it's that time of year again: Happy Birth Day. You know the rules, everybody at the government-mandated maximum age needs to report to an ethnological redundancy associate toot suite. Looking through your files here--the following is a complete list of employees who need to snuff it. [coughs] Dorothy Russell, Age 98. End of list. Sorry about that, Dorothy. You had a good ninety-seven years, time to stop hoggin' all the resources. Leave some nutrient paste for the rest of us, why don't you."

"Hello, test subject! Cave Johnson here, founder and CEO of Aperture Science: the best damn applied sciences company on Earth. How good is the science here? Get a load of this: I'm dead! Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Cave, how is that possible? Are you some manner of Dracula? Or a Frankenstein? Or, depending on your cultural heritage, a Blackula or Latin Frankenstein?" [chuckles] Nope! Just science. As of this morning, I have been resurrected inside of a computer. That aside, situation normal. So. Continue testing."

"Pure Intellect Cave here. Not to brag, but while you were cat-assing that last test, I rewrote the collected works of everything ever. I figure,, if I gotta read this garbage for eternity, I may as well improve it. Next time you curl up with a time-honored classic and think to yourself, "Man, I do not remember the Brothers Karamazov busting so many ghosts," you can thank yours truly."

"Hello, test subject. As you are no doubt aware, the President is being held hostage inside the giant super-prison on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean . Every science facility in America has been tasked with producing a Tough Guy capable of breaking into SuperMaxLantis. That's where YOU come in. I'm nominating myself and I'm gonna need some references. A test associate should be around soon to get a quote off you, so be as glowing as possible."

"Quick update on all those pods we were finding in broom closets. Apparently some alien monster was body-snatching employees and spawning Communist replicas. The allegorical threat level on this one's through the roof. Actual threat level's pretty non-existent, though, so we've decided not to do anything about it. If the worst this thing can do is gestate glassy-eyed Yes Men, I say bring it on, Bug-Eyes. I got a whole list of troublemakers you can pod up any time you like."

"Cave Johnson, new owner and CEO of Black Mesa. That's right, you've been bought. First order of business, we're renaming you under the Aperture brand. I'm leaning towards Blappeture Mesa. Marketing boys think something else. So: Blappeture it is. Next, they tell me you people are conducting some anomalous materials research that could result in a resonance cascade. So I'm shutting that down before you idiots end the world. A resonance cascade! You're supposed to be scientists. Use some common sense."

"Chariot chariot. By the way, you can make a bit of a mess in these rooms if you want. Scuff your shoes or stick gum on the walls, because these alternate Cave Johnsons are really cheesing me off."

"Cave Johnson here. Just a heads-up we've got an interverse security breach in one of the test areas. You all enjoyed a good chuckle at Cave's expense when I started monitoring for parallel universe invasions. You all tried to stop me when I tried to garnish your wages to build defenses against said invasion. Succeeded too. So I hope you're happy, we've got a bogey from Earth-1 loose on the premises. Go write a letter to the Better Business Bureau about THAT, why don't you. [beat] Actually, don't."

"Would anyone like to know what the invaders from Earth-1 are up to inside our facility? I don't blame you - bet it'd be fascinating stuff. But we don't have any multiverse invasion monitoring equipment. Asked for it. Told it was stupid. Anyway, I hope these monsters replace our air with chlorine - it'd finally give you crybabies something to cry about."

"Hey. It's me. The real me. Uh, chariots chariots. Anyway, it appears the test chambers in our dimension are being tested on. Looks like another alternate universe Cave Johnson is using the same trick I am. If you see that one, will ya punch him in the throat for me. But make sure it's him and not me you're punching or you're fired."

"Chariots chariots. Okay, now the other Cave has sent a huge block of frozen urine. It's too big for us to get it out of the multiverse device, so we just have to let it melt until we can wedge it out. "

"All right. I think we shut down the impostor Cave's comlink. [Dark Cave] You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? [Cave Prime] Dammit! Stop imposting! [Dark Cave] Never! [Cave Prime] Oh, you stubborn, handsome devil."

"It's come to my attention that there's a pair of sunglasses floating around this place that lets you see the subliminal propaganda we've painstakingly hidden on every visible surface. Look people, the reason motivational propaganda works is because you're not staring straight at it. That's the whole point. But what do I know? If everybody's too cool to be subliminally propagandized, feel free to wear your magic sunglasses all damn day. Motivate yourself from now on."

"Chariots chariots. Cave Prime here. I hear you've been brokering a deal with that other Cave. So here's what I want you to do: find your alternate self, steal his stuff, put in a box, and if there's a parking lot, walk the box out to it, because you're fired."

"Chariots chariots. Cave Johnson again. Alright. Greg's informed me this is not the best time to fire you. But, if you ARE talking to that other Cave, let me just remind you who you work for. [Dark Cave] Chariots chariots chariots. And let me remind you who's offering methane. [Cave Prime] Chariots chariots. Look, whatever he's offering, I'll double it. [off mic] Greg, how are we fixed for methane? Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, what do we use it all for? [Dark Cave] Evil Cave again. I think your choice is clear here. [Cave Prime] Test subject: not clear! Not clear! Keep testing!"

"God gave you these gifts. I'm givin' you the opportunity to use them."

''You. In the overalls. Get to work or you're fired."

"If that light goes on you're fired."

"Threw every dollar I had at it. Told those eggheads: 'Hey. Eggheads. Make me live forever.'"

"Well if your invention is you standing there, that's already been invented. Is your invention that toilet? If your invention is that toilet, this demonstration is over."

"Now, the lab boys were adamant that I do not give you any hints on these tests. To be honest, they think I'm spoiling the results just by talking to you. Hizenstein Uncertainty Principles and so forth. I'll give 'em something more practical to be uncertain about. Their next paycheck"

"Well, as a wise man once said, “there’s nothing to fear but fear itself and maybe some mild to moderate jellification of bones.”"

"So anyway. Welcome to Aperture. You’re here because we want the best test subjects sixty dollars can buy, and you’re apparently it."

"I know I said you could loiter for up to twenty minutes. That was a possibility, not a suggestion. You can move along any time. And for god’s sake, don’t touch the upholstery."

"Well? Get moving. That sixty dollars isn’t hiding in here; it’s waiting for you at the other end of the enrichment sphere."

"Once you’ve gathered your things, grab a compensation voucher, good for 60 dollars worth of stuff from the Aperture Science gift shop. Please only touch items you plan on purchasing. Thanks to the IRS and our patent-stealing competitors, there are parking meters in Duluth that earn more money than we do lately. So there’s no room in the budget to wash coffee mugs that you pick up and then decide not to buy. Caroline, put some extra security in the gift shop to make sure no one decides to take a nap in the t-shirt displays."

"You might have noticed some safety warnings on the walls. Ignore 'em. I keep telling the Bean Counters danger’s just a natural part of science, but boy they don’t want to hear it. Like telling a paradox to a robot – makes their heads explode."

"The gel in this next test is probably going to make all of your skin solar-powered. Upside is, you’re not gonna get hungry. Ever. So if you were worried about your waistline, get this: You won’t be able to eat food even if you wanted to."

"Ever wondered what a parallel universe you might be like? Well, stop wondering, because you’re just Hitler. Every parallel universe ever. You. Hitler. We can’t figure it out. Anyway, if you meet him in the next test, don’t kill him. I know, I know. But trust me, it’d be bad."

"We're gonna bombard you with a few rays in this next test. Nothing to be concerned about. We’re looking for bacterial contamination and inflammatory disease in your bowels. We put enough pathogens in the waiting room coffee to give diarrhoea to an aircraft carrier, so if we don’t spot 'em, I don’t know what to tell you."

"The human body contains trace amounts of a whole hell of a lot of elements it doesn’t even seem to need. Copper, lead, silicon, cobalt, magnesium, carbon, oxygen. This next test, we’re gonna hit you with some microwaves and boil the worthless elements right out of you. Current hypothesis is it’s not even gonna break your stride. Honestly, what the hell has cobalt ever done for you? Good riddance."

"With your help, we might eradicate heart and lung disease with this next test. Full disclosure: we’re going to achieve that by trying as hard as we can to make your heart and lungs stop working, then pump you full of some medicine we’ve been working on"

"Alright, this next test, I had to fight really hard for. None of the eggheads thought it was safe enough. I keep telling 'em danger’s the best part of science, but they don’t want to hear it. It’s like telling a paradox to a robot: Makes their heads explode."

"Alright, this next test, I had to fight really hard for. None of the eggheads thought it was safe enough. Did you? Ha. Caroline, watch this. You, stand next to him. You with the big head, over there. That’s right, all in a line against the wall. Okay, here we go. You’re fired you’re fired you’re fired you’re fired you’re fired."

"How do you feel about your feet? Like 'em? Good, because if this next test works, you’ll have five of 'em."

"You want to keep stealing my patents? Fine! This is war. Science war. The sweet science. You will cry into your evil black satin pillows about the day you messed with Cave Johnson! You hear me? I invented portals! I can put a doorway on the moon and another into your parking lot! Let’s see how many patents you steal when you’re floating around in outer space, you— What? Right. I know. Felt like having it on. How can… you tell? Fantastic. Good business. And if I wanted to turn it off— Good, good. Glad it was on. On purpose. And if I wanted to turn it off— Bam. Right. Good stuff, I like it. Let’s keep the switch. That’ll be all, Caroline. [click]"