Here's the deal. Games are meant to be WON. If you're not playing to win, you're not playing the way it's meant to be played. You're just being a fucking autist.

It doesn't matter how hard you scream "hurr I'm not a tryhard durrrr I'm just playing for fun" it doesn't change the fact that you're a useless spineless piece of shit whom everybody hates for dragging them down.
Now sometimes there'll be a game where most players are like this. Don't conform to them. Play to win.

If you want uncompetitive fun - go play some fucking tetris or some shit. DEFINITELY DO NOT PLAY FUCKING "COMPETITIVE".


So what does it mean to play to win? Well, here are the basics:

- Cut out all the bullshit: all the funny mods, all the custom fucking sounds of mario picking up a coin upon getting a health kit, all the fucking sprayes (they are banned in competitive play anyway - actual competitive play, I mean, not the mode in the menu) - anything and everything that can distract you WILL eventually fucking distract you. So cut it out.


- ANALYZE. Super fucking key. HALF OF SKILL IS ANALYSIS. Practice is only half. How many times (especially back before competitive mode) have you seen people who just spawn, run up to the first enemy, get killed and then it's {cycle: repeat} for the rest of the game? And don't have any delusions: these people very often have thousands of hours of play, they have ACTUALLY BEEN PLAYING THE GAME FOR THOUSANDS OF HOURS (I know idling pumps your hours, but most of them don't idle - which is clear from total lack of cosmetics) BUT THEY STILL SUCK AND ARE TOTALLY FUCKING WORTHLESS. So after every death THINK about what have you done wrong. Don't just mindlessly do same sht over and over.


- Don't play your favorite class. Play the needed class. If there are 2 heavies already, don't be a fucking heavy. Learn to play every class so you can pick them depending on the situation. It will also boost your general skill dramatically. Playing sniper and scout would get you crazy skill which would applicable to all the other classes.

Remember: most people are fucking retarded and ARE NOT playing to win. So they don't care if there are 4 snipers and 4 spies. Don't be like them. Pick appropriate classes to have a balanced team.


- Know your shit and be a master

Research weapons, maps and classes.

Watch athletes kill it and learn from them.

Practice skills on training maps: reflection, noscope headshots, backstabs, all this sht.

Playing tf2 without having these skills is like playing a fighting game not knowing combos - you'll get raped, put simply.


- Be a team player. This game is called TEAM fucking Fortress for a reason.

Don't take kits and ammo from people who need them more.

Help your teammates survive: focus on the enemies they are fighting instead of yours for a moment, directly cover them, throw them your sandwich (extremely important), extinguish them (don't forget jarate and mad milk), HEAL THEM (duh), etc.

-- Communicate:

Use voice commands - not just "MEDIC!" and "SPY!". Even "good job" and "thanks" can be helpful, to boost your team's morale.

USE A FUCKING MIC - team with a mic'd player >>>>>> team without a mic'd player.

-- Lead:

Let people know the team is imbalanced, TELL SPECIFIC PEOPLE TO CHANGE CLASS, NOT JUST SOME UNSPECIFIED SOMEONE WHO WOULD LISTEN

If somebody doesn't know what the fuck they are doing, help them out:
What to build first and where to build it; Who to heal first; What class to pick; What tactic to use (by default nobody uses any, so be the guy who's not a total fucking bimbo), etc.

Propose tactics and strategies, give directions.

If you are the one with a mic, it's all on you. Don't use it to try out stand up material, use it TO WIN.

Look. I get it. Pyro is fun.
I used to main him for a long time myself, as a matter of fact.

But let's be real here: not only is pyro THE WEAKEST CLASS BY FAR, but he's also COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS.

And you don't have to be competent in TF2 to verify this. Indeed, HE'S NEVER USED IN COMPETITIVE PLAY, UNLESS IT'S 9 VS 9 WHERE EVERY CLASS HAS TO BE PRESENT.

You will see people in 6 vs 6, HL temporarily picking up sniper, engineer or even spy if the situation calls for it. But you will never see ANYBODY EVER use pyro, unless they have to according to the rules of 9 vs 9.


So why is pyro such a fucking garbage? Well, let's take a look at the list of classes he loses to 1 on 1:

- Heavy. It takes 4 FUCKING FLARE GUN SHOTS ON THE ALREADY BURNING HEAVY to kill him from full health. That is fucking atrocious. And that's the best way to kill him. You can't even do it if you surprise him from the behind with a backburner - unless he's totally retarded. And backburner shouldn't be used in the first place.

- Scout. Total rape, not even funny.

- Sniper. Good sniper will fuck good pyro in the ass even in close quarters.

- Engineer. Sentry can actually be destroyed pretty easily with pyro when up close, except if engineer is near HE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

- Medic. Unless you have a flare gun, he will beat you, since he's faster.

- Soldier/Demo. At best pyro holds ground. Eventually he fucking loses. Let's not forget that soldier and demo shoot FASTER than pyro can reflect. So the outcome is slightly predictable.

...

- Spy. As surprising as this may sound, spy completely rapes pyro since after being found out (or if it's mid or long distance) it only takes two headshots from the Ambassador to kill the chasing pyro. So even without Icycle, spy survives and pyro doesn't.



Never pick fucking pyro unless you are an irresponsible little kid who just gets in the way of his team.

Nobody likes whiny bitches.

If you are a bind cuck, knock it off. No, your lenny face spam or "random crits are fair and balanced" after killing or getting killed are not amusing. In fact they are the lowest form of trolling and you should be ashamed for it.

All you're saying with binds is that you are an autist who can't have a real conversation or stay silent. You're suggesting that you are insecure and try to get some attention online because you don't get enough offline. And that's very sad.

As far as crits - or any other mechanic goes, you are free to disagree with it, but BY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME YOU ARE ACCEPTING IT'S RULES. So either don't play or SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Furthermore, everybody has an equal chance for a critical hit - and when they don't like with med's saw, it's done on purpose and for balance. So yes, THEY ARE FUCKING BALANCED. Nobody has any more chance than anybody else (aside from specific cases like mentioned above, that were THOUGHT THROUGH and not just put there for gits and shiggles).


Now not being a cuck is one thing. Most people succed at that since most people are fundamentally passive and it requires no effort.
But having codes of conduct and principles also means making sure other people stick to them.

You can't be good if you let others do bad.

So whenever you see somebody being a cuck (and most of us have been that guy at one moment or another), let him know that HE'S NOT WELCOME HERE and, in fact, should quit being a fucking cuck. Otherwise you're just being a passive cuck - aka a FAG. And that's... Well, that's the worst.

There's this assumption that some people (who are fаggots) tend to make: reporting doesn't do anything, it's useless and you should just sumbit your аss to cheater's tiny diсk.

That is completely false. First off, DO NOT FUСKING PLAY if somebody is clearly a hacker.

Secondly, USE THE REPORT FUNCTION THAT LET'S YOU TAKE A SCREENSHOT AND EVEN WRITE A SHORT DISCRIPTION (I think it's INS by default - what a way to advance hacker's agenda for fuck's sake). There you could write "aimbot" or "wallhack", or whatever the fuсk it is.

REMEMBER: CHEATERS GET BANNED AFTER ABOUT 2 WEEKS OF CASUAL PLAY TOPS. This is why only an autistic ♥♥♥♥♥♥ would spend his money on a cheat and waste the time to create an account for a couple of days to then have to repeat the process.

Furthermore, THE ONLY REASON CHEATERS GET BANNED WITH SUCH A DELAY IS PRECISELY BECAUSE PEOPLE TEND TO UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE REPORT FUNCTION. They simply don't fuсking do it (or don't know how to do it) which results in сunts getting away with being total fuсking аssholes.

UNDERSTAND: HE, WHO LET'S A FАGGOT BE A FАGGOT, IS NO LESSER FАGGOT HIMSELF. In other words, all it takes for fаggotry to prevail is for non-fаggots to do nothing. I think Oscar Wilde said that.

DON'T BE A CUCK: SUPPORTING (by not reporting or by playing) A HACKER IS A WEAK MOVE AND IS ONLY DONE BY PUSSIЕS WHO LIKE TO GET FUСKED IN THE АSS. DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF - YOU ARE NOT GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME EVEN IF YOU TRY, AND YOU'LL PROBABLY BURN IN HELL FOR YOUR SHAMEFUL INACTION.

Leaving is NOT a smart thing to do though. You'll get HALF AN HOUR of penalty waiting when searching for a server in competitive matchmaking, plus an XP penalty.
Use the time you are forced to wait out by doing something productive like reading about quarks on wikipedia or watching a youtube video about cats, or some similar bullshit.

If nobody plays, the perpurtrator will simply leave because he doesn't want to waste precious time that he has until he's banned.

Now there are two very different gamemodes called competitive. One was basically since the start and is a NON-OFFICIAL CYBER-SPORT DISCIPLINE WITH STRICT RULES AND IS PLAYED IN 12 vs 12, 9 vs 9, 6 vs 6, 4 vs 4 and 2 vs 2. Mostly 12, 9 and 6 though. Mostly 9 and 6. Mostly 6.
AKA lobby.
This come closest to the intended TF2 experience and gameplay.

The other is an OFFICIAL MODE VALVE ADDED IN 2017 WITH NO REAL RULES (not even fucking class limits). It's ONLY 6 vs 6 and if you abandon the match you can't play for some time because of penalty. Of course, people still leave all the fucking time and in fact it will take you fucking HOURS sometimes to get a fucking match. And then some cunt will leave anyway and you'll be playing 2 vs 4 or some shit. The players are more skilled though and the teams are more balanced.
This is what I will mean when saying "competitive" from now on.

So. Definitely play lobbies, and competitive. Casual can be used as a training stage - people are fucking useless, teams are imbalanced, but there's much less wait in-between lives (including meta wait between games), which speeds up your learning... EXCEPT. CASUAL IS FUCKING WORST. I literally just played a game where it started with 5 vs 4 and by the time the third round started it was 0 vs 4 FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I have no idea why the fuck are there so many fucking leavers, but casual is a fucking leave town. I advise you to forget about it altogether.


Now let's talk about competitive. Here are some basic fucking groundrules which you shouldn't even be DREAMING of transgressing:

- NO FUCKING PYRO, EVER.

- ONLY MED, 2 SCOUTS AND SOLDIERS AND DEMOMEN FILL THE REST OF THE SPOTS

- HEAVY, ENGINEER, SNIPER AND SPY - ARE SITUATIONAL FUCKING CLASSES. NEVER PLAY THEM FOR MOST OF THE GAME, THEY ARE ONLY USED TO FEND OFF AN ATTACK ON YOUR LAST POINT OR GET BACK YOUR POINT IN KOTH WHEN THEY ALREADY TIMED OUT.

- DON'T CHANGE CLASSES LIKE A FUCKING SPASTIC. JUST PICK ONE AND FUCKING STICK TO IT. UNLESS SOME CUNT QUIT MEDIC OR SOMETHING, DON'T CHANGE.
So many useless fucking cucks change class to the one that killed them after every fucking death. It's not "adapting", it just makes you even more fucking useless.

- NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LEAVE MIDGAME. YOU WILL GET BRAIN CANCER AND ASS AIDS, AND YOUR MOTHER WILL DIE FROM BEING IMPALED BY A BIG BLACK HORSEDICK

- I already said it, but may as well repeat myself. DON'T FUCKING PLAY WHEN THERE'S A CHEATER. JUST REPORT HIM WITH "INS" AND STAY IN YOUR SPAWN. YOU CAN BROWSE SOME MLP PORN - LUCKILY THE TECHNOLOGY ALLOWS YOU TO DO THAT WITHOUT EVEN ALT+TABBING NOW. This will make the poor cunt feel like a useless little jerk-off that he is and hopefully will bring him closer to the suicide which as a rule is inevitable and can only be postponed.

- Don't pick retarded weapons like Black Box or quick-fix or fuck knows what. Here's a fucking tip: if you don't know EVERYTHING about EVERY WEAPON and are not TRULLY SKILLED, here's what you should be using:

Spy: revolver (ambassador if you can headshot), icycle, dead ringer, sapper
Sniper: sniper fucking rifle, jarate, kukri
Heavy: minigun (NEVER FUCKING BRASS BEAST YOU FUCKING AUTIST), sandwich (don't eat it unless 50000% sure there's nobody around - it's for healing your team, not your own fat russian ass), KGB
Engineer: mini-sentry (use normal in comp ONLY if you know exactly what you're doing - let it be wrench), shotgun, short circuit (if you know how to destroy fucking projectiles, otherwise just pick fucking pistol)
Pyro: no fucking pyro.

Soldier: rocket launcher - NEVER ANYTHING ELSE EVER, shotgun (if you're good maybe some buff),
Demo: stock, stock, stock. Maybe half-zatoichi if you're not a total shithead.
Medic: NEVER PICK ANYTHING OTHER THAN STOCK MEDIGUN YOU USELESS FUCKING AUTIST!!! (unless you really know what you're doing which clearly you fucking don't since you're reading this fucking guide), crossbow and uber-saw or something not too retarded for meleeeee (what a retarded fucking word).
Scout: stock, milk, fan (baseball bat or some shit IF you know how to use it you silly cunt).

- Many items show up differently on a real player vs disguised spy. Look them up and use them - even if they are fucking ugly!

Most notably, spies cannot fake unusual effects of cosmetics.

Another example would be Bombonomicon. Only a real player would explode on death, whereas a spy with a Dead Ringer would show normal dying animation. Now that's what you call a dead give-away. And this is a thing you can easily get for free right fucking now.

- Demoman is the single most powerful class, by A LOT. And while it's prohibited in pro-play, in comp the optimal team would actually be Medic, 2 Scouts and 3 Demoman.
So if you want to really rape people, start learning Demoman.