I can go from my back to standing up without using my hands
I can eat ten chameleons without feeling ill, but don't ask me to prove it, I don't want to make them endangered tee hee
I harass meth addled middle aged women, whilst intoxicated, at 2am (I've only done this once, but if any other women are interested, then contact me. Bonus points if you're a single mother)
I throw glass bottles at bridgesa
I throw bottles at groups of people at night and then slinker away
I follow groups of wogs at 12am, whilst sipping Netherlands Largers
I purloin traffic cones
I borrow shopping trolleys and am building a shrine of them in some shrubbery, to pay homage to nature (I've only collected two so far)


Vikingånd og fregdardåd
Om det er denne sangen
Utav Stord har dette hendt
Og Håkon, han var kongen!
Kongen satt i holmagard
Og hadde ikkje mange menn
Stilt så leike bylgjune
Utmed holmastrendin

Ser då kongens sendemann
Utmed dei ytste båar
Mange skip med stripesegl
Og innafjord dei roar;
Skjott så samlast kongens menn
For ufred ikkje dølges kan
Kongen spør: ''Kven råd kan gje?
Fly eller vеrta slegne?''

Svarad ein i kongеns hird
Han Toralv Sterke Skolmsson:
''Niding stor det er å fly
For urettvise valdsmenn!
Kongen veit at me har vunnet
Over overmakti før!''
Svara då den heile hird:
''Me vil gå med kongen!''

Tok då alle brynjer på
Og kongen, sverdet Kvernbit
Fylka dei seg skjold i skjold
Under Håkons merke
Då åtakfolket på dei kom
Dei var eit tal som seks mot ein
I hjelm og sverd då soli skein
Som havet sine bylgjer
I brodden av dei åtaksmenn
Fór viking Øyvind Skrøya
Med åtakfolket gjekk han hardt
Til nid mot Håkons merke
Ropa høgt han Øyvind:
''Eg Nordmannkongen finna vil!''
Løyner han seg, er han redd?
Kven kan seia til han?''

Kom då over kongens menn
Voldsom kraft og styrke;
I harme full sprang kongen sjølv
Framanføre merket
Sa: ''Hald du fram som du gjer
Om du Nordmannkongen finna vil!''
Svinga Håkon Kvernbit i
Toralv, sverdet Fetbreid
Striden vart då veldig kvass
Med mannefalli store
Håkon og hans menn, dei rådast
Striden avgjorde
Øyvind Berserk blei for sverdet
Kvernbit lagt på vollen ned
Kom då frykt i åtakfolket
Flydde ut or landet

Holy water brother. At late hours like this, I like to chasten myself with the watery blessing of Christ, so that I may be fresh for duty. I am surprised that an earnest young devotee of the Wolf like you doesn't know the ritual. Why else would I have stripped off my armour? I'm absolving my sins you see? Before God. Absolving, oh yes. It's chastening. Very chastening.

'Very chastening' agreed Rangerkins.

The Delphic Wayfarer knew the young Templar was a heartbeat away from laughing. He grabbed Rangerkins by the neck and plunged him face down into the water of the font.

SEE? Young Rangerkins is willing! He thirsts for chastening! Can I oblige you with a nocturnal baptism too?

I am a Brother of Wolves! It wounds me to think you would believe me to be tardy in such details. A lesson to you. You imagine us veterans to be a slack lot, more intrigued in wine and song, and womanly comfort. THE LIKES OF ME SHAME YOU YOUNGER WOLVES! Why, I have half a mind to go outside right now and beat my naked back with bitter withy twigs to scourge my soul for Gods pious sake! When was the last time you did that?

I forget. Again, forgive me. I stand humbled before your strict devotion.

The Ordinator trundles off.

'YOU BASTARD! I nearly drowned!' Rangerkins said as he came up. Or that's what he would have proclaimed, had he not been trying to regain his breath. He lay gasping and retching on the tiles by the font for a good two minutes after the Ordinator had disappeared.

The Delphic Wayfarer kicked him playfully in the ribs. 'See the trouble you get me into, boy?' He then dipped into the font and pulled a second cooled bottle of BAVARIAN ALE out and imbibed the brew heartedly.


YOU THERE! Cease walking! Pon my word, you are a duck! Why, the magicks here are not fond of your kind. The puzzles and traps that linger seek to immolate all fowls and roast them over a spit. But fret not, for I shall extricate you from the clutches of calamity! HUZZAH! My invisible magic has rescued you from the perils of a trap in which you cannot see.