If you can't handle me at my Gollum, you don't deserve me at my Sméagol.

What was E.T short for?
Because he had little legs.

Communism: On your Marx, get set, go!

Alchoholism: None will be any the budweiser

Yo mama so ugly, fluorine wouldn't bond with her.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field.

A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve noble gases here." The helium atom doesn't react.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.

I used to be a kid like you. Until I took a bullet to the parents. - Batman

A doe walks out of the forrest and says "That's the last time I'll do that for two bucks."